Sustainability Provisions

From WeDoMarriage.org - World's First Couple Marriage Contract Wiki

Contents 1 9.1 Agreement to Manage and Resolve Conflicts 2 9.2 Negotiation 3 9.3 Counselling 4 9.4 Arbitration 5 9.5 Continuance of Obligations

We can’t predict the future, but we know it will bring change. New opportunities or difficulties may arise, or fail to materialize, and agreements need to propose ways of managing and resolving these unknowable situations.

Conflict can be constructive. Constructive Conflict in intimate relationships happens when we promise to fight fair; to face arguments, disagreements and conflicts creatively. To understand that those who argue well, love well. To fight without desiring to win, or to destroy the other. To disagree without physical or emotional brutality, name calling, threats, residual resentment or withholding love, sex or money. To appreciate your partner's position. To comprehend that several realities and truths can co-exist simultaneously and, paradoxically, that warring parties can simultaneously both be right.

Usually, conflicts can be resolved through informal discussion and negotiation between the parties. On those rare occasions that this approach does not work, an agreement needs to contain processes to resolve conflicts in a way that protects the values and aspirations of the original deal.

On this page we provide a general outline of the fundamental issues to be considered in developing a process to manage and resolve conflicts. And we present some sample clauses to get you started.

Note that this is the ninth numbered section, Section 9, of the Marriage Contract.

9.1 Agreement to Manage and Resolve Conflicts

Managing and resolving conflicts requires commitment to start over and over again. To endure the hard times. To learn to rebuild trust and affection after falling out of love. To resolve, heal, forgive, and forget, and move on. To work through the difficulties. To meet the true challenge of a good marriage--when we fall out of love and into reality and then to begin again and again.

9.1.1	[Romeo] and [Juliet] agree to manage and resolve conflicts in a way that protects the values and aspirations of this Agreement.
9.1.2	[Romeo] and [Juliet] agree to manage and resolve any future dispute arising out of or relating to any past or future agreement between them (the “Dispute”) in accordance with the procedures specified in 9.2 (Negotiation), 9.3 (Counselling), 9.4 (Arbitration) below.
9.1.3	[Romeo] and [Juliet] agree to fight fair in any dispute which may rise in our marriage. Our goal in any conflict is win - win, to solve the problem and love each other better.
9.1.4	[Romeo] and [Juliet] agree not to use threatening behavior, physical or psychological violence, swearing or sarcasm when dealing with conflict between us.
9.1.5	[Romeo] and [Juliet] agree not to use the 'threat of divorce' or threaten to leave or remove children from the matrimonial home when dealing with issues of conflict.
9.1.6	[Romeo] and [Juliet] agree not to use sulking or guilt to manipulate each other when dealing with issues of conflict.
9.1.7	[Romeo] and [Juliet] agree not to use parental alienation or use our children as pawns to manipulate each other or in an attempt to gain legal advantages when dealing with issues of conflict.
9.1.8	[Romeo] and [Juliet] agree, where crimes against the person have been committed that they will insist with the Gardai that prosecution of such crimes be instigated under Criminal Law (which requires a higher burden of proof:- "beyond reasonable doubt") rather than Family Law (which requires a lower standard of proof:- "balance of probability").
9.1.9	[Romeo] and [Juliet] agree to refresh ourselves of, and keep to hand, a copy of our conflict resolution procedures before, or during at the behest of either one of us, any Negotiation dealing with issues of conflict.

9.2 Negotiation

Negotiation is normally the first process used to resolve conflict in intimate relationships. Each of us are unique human beings. We each come to a relationship with our different backgrounds, individual needs, mannerisms, philosophies and expectations which may 'conflict' with those of our spouse's. All human relationships experience 'conflict'. Conflicting viewpoints can be 'opportunities of understanding' for couples to explore and gain deeper understanding of each other. Negotiation helps couples find common ground, or 'agree to differ'. Strive for a win-win outcome; resolutions based on fairness and understanding avoid partners feeling defeated, hurt, misunderstood and resentful towards you. Conflict is only destructive when it is poorly managed (or avoided through denial). Conflict needs to be addressed EARLY in relationships, just like pulling weeds in a new lawn, before too many grow too deeply and overwhelm your garden. Deal with issues as they arise. Put time aside and focus on the current issue causing the conflict, not on the past, and not on other potential minefields of issues which would only add fuel to the fire.

Important points to consider are:

Notice: how is the party to be notified of the conflict and the intention to use the agreed conflict resolution procedure? How soon should the receiving party reply? In this section you decide when and how to initiate negotiation.

9.2.1	[Romeo] and [Juliet] agree to negotiate within the guidelines outlined in 6.1.1 to 6.1.9 above.
9.2.2	If the dispute has not been resolved by negotiation within [30] days , or if the parties have failed to confer within [30] days , [Romeo] and [Juliet] agree they will endeavor to settle the dispute by counselling. Unless otherwise agreed, [Romeo] and [Juliet] will select a counsellor from a recognized counselling body.

9.3 Counselling

If negotiation fails to produce a solution mutually acceptable to Romeo and Juliet, the process of Counselling can be employed. Fundamental issues to be considered here are:

Counsellor: will this person(s) be a member of a recognized counselling body or will a mutually acceptable and impartial person be chosen to counsell in the dispute?

Confidentiality: will information passed between Romeo and Juliet be kept confidential?

9.3.1

If Counselling fails to produce a resolution, [Romeo] or [Juliet] shall give the other party written notice of the Dispute. Within [10] days after delivery of the notice, the receiving party shall submit to the other a written response. Thereafter, [Romeo] and [Juliet] shall confer in person promptly to attempt to resolve the dispute. All reasonable requests for information made by one party to the other will be honored. If the dispute still remains unresolved, [Romeo] and [Juliet] agree to proceed to Arbitration.

9.4 Arbitration

The previous dispute resolution processes (negotiation and counselling) are consensual processes in which parties retain control over the procedure and outcome. If the dispute is not resolved using these avenues, the adjudicative process of Arbitration remains (private adjudication and public court hearing). It’s important to know that Romeo and Juliet now pass control of the dispute resolution process to a third party. Also, the recommendation of the third party may well be binding on both parties.

9.4.1

If the dispute has not been resolved by counselling as provided herein within [90] days of the initiation of such procedure, it shall be settled by binding arbitration The arbitration shall be governed by the [relevant laws in jurisdiction] and judgment upon the award rendered by the arbitrator(s) may be entered by any court having jurisdiction thereof. Unless otherwise agreed, [Romeo] and [Juliet] will select an Arbitrator from a recognized Arbitration body.

9.5 Continuance of Obligations

Life goes on, conflict or not. While the conflict is being resolved, Romeo and Juliet have obligations to each other

9.5.1

This Agreement shall not be deemed a waiver of any right of termination under the Agreement out of which the Dispute arose. Unless either party has such a right and has exercised the same, each party shall continue to perform its obligations under such agreement pending resolution of the Dispute.

 

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